I can text with my tongue
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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