I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize