They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
