The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
