Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
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I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
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Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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