batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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