You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Randomize
