dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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