did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I am midnight drunk by noon
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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