mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
