Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
