U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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