how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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