perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
