On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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