I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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