i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
