Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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