Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
