So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
