I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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