I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
