Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
