Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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