After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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