I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
