I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
