sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
