Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
