Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
