I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
