First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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