Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
