Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
