Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
