I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
