Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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