the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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