theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
