btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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