Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
