Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
