after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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