I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
