Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
