you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
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Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
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Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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