apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
