Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
