dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
