I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
