Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
