Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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