Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
