these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
