I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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