the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
