I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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