do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize