Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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